Reflection

Well, after the overhyped Christmas day, I am still here. Still blessed but otherwise, a bit stressed. Let me explain...

Over this year, there has been a lot of extreme and heavy drama with my husband and his children; it is only now can I put some articulation behind my suppressed feelings about what has taken place this last year.
To put it in a nutshell, his nasty ex-wife who is from this country - who have no biological ties to his two oldest children ( 16 and 15 respectively) that he had with another woman in Dominica - WHO IS A BLACK WOMAN - together with his son that he had with her (13 going onto 14, who has no manners, but then again, the apple does not fall far from the tree)have decided to visit my husband. Now, bear in mind, that his youngest son, Joshua, has had NO contact with my husband over the past six months, due to the manipulative and controlling spirit of his ex wife. This she has passed onto his biological children. She has now morphed into a 'foster mother ', which benefits her financially. Because of who she is, she is a greedy woman. This woman already put my husband into debt; this is a woman who fabricated an email address to send off pornographic brochures to our address; this is a woman who sent anonymous letters and deliveries to this address; but hey, I digress!
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this woman has used his two children as pawns against him and they now live with the bitch (I'm sorry about the name calling, but right now I'm trying to heal from all of this).
Let me just insert at this juncture. My husband was a single father. Bringing up his two children singlehandedly in Europe. Something which is rare and unheard of. That is why I admire him, he is so special and he will continuously be blessed.
His two oldest children were born in the Commonwealth of Dominica. He brought them over here to NL when he married this witch.

I used to have a really wonderful and positive relationship with these children. Not so much Joshua, as his father rarely saw him. Additionally, he was influenced by his mother to dislike me - for what reason, I am still unclear. But with the two oldest children, I was there for them in so many ways. I left the UK a year ago. My children were old enough to be left - my youngest one lives with his father. This was not a hard decision to make, as his father has always had full participation in his life, as has my oldest son, who is 24...
I decided to come over here as my relationship with my husband was falling apart, due to the long absences, so I made a very clear decision to be with my husband. Forget about the adage. 'distance makes the heart go fonder'. It wasn't. It was placing a big burden on my relationship.
Anyway, as I stated before, I had a positive and uplifting relationship with his children. I never pretended to be their mother, as I felt it was important that they would and should reconnect with their biological mother in Dominica. In fact, I felt so strongly about it, I was the one who PAID for their passages to go to Dominica in 2009, when we all went as a family. It was my first time there. Unfortunately, the reconnection with their mother was not successful. However, I always reminded the children that she was the mother, even if she could not emotiionally be there for them, and that they should never, ever forget her.
I loved these children like they were my own. I always reiterated that I could not replace their mother but I'd always be there for them. They heard me loud and clear - or so I thought...
However, a very negative and dark cloud hovered over everything when I came to live here in NL. Now, let me make it clear at this juncture, it was completely transparent to his children that I was coming to live over here with them. We spoke about it all the time. It wasn't 'news' to them. They were elated and excited by the news. If there was an issue I would've rethought my decision. Heck, they had visited me in London - with their father. They knew my children. I thought things were cool with us. My children were fine about it and understood that I had to go to save my relationship. They were secure in this knowledge and let me go without any kind of guilt. It was no 'biggie' to them that I was coming to resettle here in NL.
Then, because of the ex wife absolute inappropriate way of manipulating and controlling situations, she then began to brainwash these children. First, it was a steady, slow drip. I was aware of this when my husband used to permit (against my advice) his children to spend weekends with the woman. He and I - when I was over here on vacation - noticed their small and subtle changes. This witch turned these children against their own biological father and against me. I am exasperated by it all, because to me, these children are old enough to make informed choices and decisions, but they have gone along with this seedy drama.
See, she is a European white woman. Her cultural values and overall sense of who she is an antithesis of how I, as a Black woman, was strictly raised in the UK of a Nigerian/African woman. My boundaries were hemmed in tightly, and I knew my place as a child with my mama. I think you understand my point? Anyway, this nasty, vindictive, manipulative, negative bitch (yeah, I said it), got my husband's children (all of them), together with the far too liberal social services agencies over here and stacked their perilous cards against their father and me. See, I assert myself very well, and when meetings were convened regarding this very emotional issue, I stood my ground and informed them that they were all wrong to do this to a man who is their biological father. Both me and my husband challenged the absolute lies that were written in reports, which completely denigraded my husband's parenting skills. I helped my husband rebutt these false reports and allegations that were stated in these subjective and biased reports - who, by the way were overly influenced by this witch.
Over here in this country, the childrens views and perspectives overrule the parents authority. You always seem to have to negotiate with children and ultimately, one is too scared to have any kind of wielding authority to state that you are the parent, set up boundaries and guide their paths. Undertaking this route is, in their option, dictorial. The crux and notion overall of Netherland families are about being 'friends'and not parents to your children.

Anyway, back on topic. These children have lied about their father to the courts, the agencies et al. This woman has enabled this nasty and unaccountable behaviour for these children. They hardly (if ever) communicate. She has set up a faulty premise for how these children will relate to my husband and his family in the future. Consequently, she has set an environment and foundation that will have an everlasting impact on how he will now relate to his kids. I am starting to feel that. The two youngest children were here. I had nothing to say to them. I didn't establish a nasty vibe to them. It was just hard for me to be all 'smiley' to them when I am aware of the devilish actions that this woman has manipulated. I can't pretend at all what went on. It is not about a bitterness about what they said about me. I have forgiveness in my heart, but see, I am a REAL, GENUINE AND SINCERE person. It just invades my soul when I have to 'pretend'.
So here I sit. In reflection. About what has happened and the great impact that will inevitably cloud my relationship to my husband's children over the years.
Its very sad, but I am trying to see the small shaft of light at the end of the tunnel. I know that God will shine a light on this very doomed situation, because everything that occurs in the dark will eventually be illuminated by the light.