Thoughts from the other side of the postcard: Part 1

Some folk think that I  am living the charmed life on the 'Nature Island'. Don't get me wrong, my life style has changed drastically, and all for the better I may add; running  our business, hands on,  and doing something that I have wanted to do for a long time. It seems appropriate that our business is all about nature and wellness - we create our own herbal massage oils and aromatic creams, with herbs and spices either grown on our land, or sourced locally from farmers who do not use any harmful fertilisers or chemicals. We also package dried and fresh herbs. We go out on the streets and sell to the locals and tourists. I feel that I am living my dream!
Check out our Facebook page EnTaise EnTerprises™ for further information. Well, after that quick sponsor advert, let me continue with my blog post!

When I first starting blogging about migrating to The Commonwealth of Dominica, I compared it metaphorically  to wearing an ill fitted, tight jacket. My jacket still feels tight at times, but mostly it is transforming into a better fit, all the way around. At times, when I do my daily reflection and meditation in the morning,  when I have offered up a libation to my ancestors, when the different tropical birds are chriping away  in flowing harmonies,from my wooden shutters or balancing on the rails of our soon to be completed verandah,  where the many small lizards scamper and seek sanctuary from the hot solar rays, where our cat and two dogs dart freely around the land, I I marvel at it all, and the same time, I get a bit perplexed at it all. I mean, here I am, sat in the lap of nature, where the Caribbean Sea is not a mirage, and the many bowing trees of moringa, the great big mango tree, sandwiched against our soursop tree, the trailing passion fruits, which constantly carpet the soft, rich earth earth, where plants and plants of wonderful smelling, aromatic basil, succulent plants of aloe vera, peeking scarlets of tomatoes, heads and heads of lettuce, and other vital crops, lovingly cultivated by my husband's hands; where the tall palm of our coconut tree - where coconut water is drank - instead of purchasing it from a shop, and the soft jelly flesh of this nut is devoured hungrily by my husband and myself,  I am in awe. Absolute awe and cradled in the abyss of paradise.

But, on the other side of this postcard of my thoughts is my perplexion thoughts, on why there is not any manufacturing plants to capture the amazing resources from this land, the high rate of unemployment of youth, the continuing plague of the rise of alcoholism and the slow emergence of crack cocaine, the disenfranchised people left to accelerating poverty because agriculture on this precious island has been abandoned due to the political ramifications of it all, on how the cost of living on this island is exhorbitantly expensive. The economy is virtually non-existent  -except for the small  Chinese community, who dominiate the majority of business in Roseau and the environs , In addition  a recently voted administration who have constantly been accused of corruption and other negative deeds within the land  - check Dominica News Online, which gives some indication of how people feel about Dominica, and some who are attempting to advocate for change. I won't go too much into the political aspect however, suffice to say, it does not look too good for democracy. But hey...

I remember, as a  young girl, just reaching the milestone of my puberty, that I did not want to live in the UK when I got older. It wasn't due to any conscious thoughts at all, I just felt that I did not really belong there. Since that time, I have had paradoxical notions about my 'Britishness, and how my identity ties within all of this. I just knew that I wanted to marry somebody who did not live in the UK. I wanted to be with a man who was either from Africa or the Caribbean and who would mirror my thoughts. It took a long, long time. But I guess, when you have that belief, that nagging intuition, it finally manifests. Well, it did for me, albeit, it took me two children, studying for two degrees, stress, heartache and then joy to finally manifest into my reality.

I was briefly chatting to a brother on Facebook earlier on today. I think, in his own way, inspired me to write this blog post. He told me that what I did was an inspiration for others to follow my lead; and to also bridge the gap between the diaspora and  the motherland. I know that fear sometimes takes us out of the equation to literally step out on faith. Fear, I know, has kept me back from my dreams. But as I sit here,with the brillant sunshine pouring truimphantly  through my mosquito screen, and when I stand up, I can actuallysee the Caribbean Sea, sparkling like jewels, I give thanks to the fierce Goddess within me, that never gave up on my dreams - even when there were negative forces against my husband and myself to abandon them. I give thanks to my ancestors, to whose shoulders I balance on a daily basis, who keep me humbled.

I do not see myself as a pioneer. I just listened to my growing intuition  -which has grown even sharper whilst living in Waitukubuli. I know its the spirit of my ancestors, who are gently guiding me towards the direction that I was meant to live. My late mama was born in Nigeria, I was born in London, and I am now living in the Caribbean. Make of that what you will.

Changes...Can also be challenges as well

The other day I was going through my news feed on Facebook, and out of the many inspirational picture images I saw was this one, and it jumped out at me. I had to read it many times as it was brillant and so true:

" You can't spell challenge without change"

This hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks, and something that has become so relevant and authentic to me lately.

Ever since I have moved to my newly adopted country, The Commonwealth of Dominica, I have hardly, hardly any kind of contact with my family - my siblings and other members of my extended family. I just want to insert here that  these circumstance have been external, it is not something that has happened in isolation. This has been  gathering whirlpools of stagnant water over many years. And now, I wish to put a filter on it - and start cleansing and healing myself from this pain and disappointment.

  Now, those of you who are aware of the meaning of my name, I have a twin. In the Yoruba culture, twins are revered; even the mothers have a special twin name given to them when their twins are born: 'Mama Ibeji'. 
 Well, what has happened to my twin? I did not invite her to one of the most amazing experiences in my life - my marriage. That should give you, the reader, an understanding where I have stood ( and ultimately fallen) with my twin. There was a genuine reason for this. I had no regrets then, as I have no regrets now, several years later.

Our family is not  great on support at all, as the dysfunctional contributing factors including  envy, resentment and umitigated rage from certain sectors of my family, have attempted and succeeded to  block this change. I can hold up my hand in this lack of support towards my family, as I have also been part of this dysfunctional tumour, by being on the front seat and not wanting to 'rock the boat' due to fear of what other members of my family would think of me, or say to me at the time. However, I cut off  this cancerous tumour when I moved thousands of miles away. I needed to get away for my own sanity and I am glad that I did.I  have been through traumatic times, but I have overturned them and literally come through the fire, to dust myself off from the molten ashes that have attempted to stain and tarnish my character. 

Instead of elevating me, and applauding this brave and pioneer move that I have made to the other side of the world, without any kind of family support and  family network, there have been  some family members who have had underlying hatred and undeserved resentment thrown onto my path. Thus, my journey has been an obstacle of   barbed pieces of wire,  constantly reminding me of the pain that I have endured on my path. But, as I write these words, what did I expect? A person who is unable to help themselves, cannot help or support others. When a person speaks of themselves as a healer and they are still expunging their own kind of pain onto other people, then they are still within their  healing process and cannot heal other peoples broken spirits, until they heal their own. Take note my twin sister...

I remember, when I initially came to reside in Dominica, people just assumed that my family were from here; that my bloodlines flowed so smoothly, just like the 363 rivers and streams that are on this beautiful, tropical island.  I mean, I am from the same tree in a sense, but the branches are different. I was always told that my husband is my family. At first, I rejected this idea, as I wanted to include my twin - I mean, we existed together for nine months in a womb, we reluctantly dressed alike until my sister willingly left - but after seeing her nasty disposition before I left the country and the pretence that I kept up with it in order to gain some kind of semblance and attachement with her, I just let it go. But after today, she is symbolically dead to me. I will not go into the whole extent why I had to make this indelible decision. Suffice to say, I am glad I have. I feel like a weight has been dropped from my shoulders. I feel that decades of pain and guilt that she has consciously pushed onto my burdened shoulders and fragile spirit has flown away. I feel free from anger, resentment, envy and ultimately, hatred from my twin sister.I no longer feel pain, I just feel a sense of relief. I feel sorrow for our lost cord, our connection, which when I think about it was severed from an early stage, when she decided to leave my mama's home, (age 12) because my mother's tongue was too strict. Because she didn't want to be disciplined by a strong Nigerian/Yoruba woman who had her best interests at heart. So, with the reverence of twins in our culture, she broke the golden rule. I think she has been trying to play catch up since.

I used to shrug at the idea that you cannot choose your family , but you can chose your friends. 
However, this is about change, and I am about to undergo  a huge shift in this trend. So, my organic and holistic family consists of  my husband, Enson Williams,  my two young men, Benjamin and Akin, and my younger brother, Tayo. That is fine for me. This is my new definition of family.

So now, after really reflecting on it, and because it is a really hard challenge to face, it has made me see clearly now, where I can truly feel the change of redemption from this bondage that has held me down for so many years regarding my family. I can forgive, because in all of that, I LET GO. And in my letting go, I give permission for all of  the family dramas, the dysfunctionality, the guilt, the pain, the envy, the pettiness, the divisiveness and all the other negative elements of my family,  to just leave... To get gone! My vision has become clarified through this mind blowing change.

And so shall it be.