Part 1: Revelations and Reverberations of an Abandoned State - 2.8.07

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child, far away from home.
But I have to prefix that and state, a fatherless child as well, and what, is ‘home’? to me, what does it mean to have a constant 'home?' A solid foundation?

The above mantra is constantly entering my current consciousness.
It’s like the refrain of my life - the coda to my life.

I’ve never comprehended the notion of home and family, I guess, that’s why, somewhat unconsciously (subconsciously?) I was always ‘seeking’ for the notion of family; basically, somebody to love me. It was hard to ‘love’ me when, as a young, black skinned female child, I felt that I had been abandoned by the parents who were chosen to give me life.
I was fostered at an extreme early age, to foster parents who I have conveniently repressed. Maybe, cleansed away with my own racial myopia and a lack of loving that I thought was created when my parents procreated me. Certainly, due to the sexual, physical and mental abuse that I had gone through at the time. There was no such thing as Childline back then. I had to ‘suffer’ in silence and graciously smile and flash my dimples, be patted and rubbed on my head as a good luck charm and told to be a ‘good’ girl. I guess, that is why, in reflection, why I found libraries, the golden age of Hollywood and daydreaming of being part of my internalised flight from my surrounding realities.

These white foster parents, who remain anonymous to me this day – this is most probably due to the passing of a mother who remained eternally secretive to me and a father who abandoned me – were the template of my early years and home life. What were these early years and home life to me? Why have I suddenly suffered from historical amnesia? Is it because it’s so convenient to fit into my life at the moment, where I feel that I am suffering from some kind of melt down? Where I feel hopeless, abandoned and lost, floating within self-pity?

At this point, if anybody, who is reading this blog and is further interested on transracial fostering within the West African community in the UK, I came across a succinct article online article in the Guardian, which touched on some salient points : http://society.guardian.co.uk/adoption/story/0,,1219560,00.html


2007 and has not been easy for me. I enter this year of my forty- fourth birthday and I feel that I have achieved nothing.

In January, I got a temporary job, where I was informed to ‘hit the floor and run’ Why, this has been the motto with my life, especially with my constant nomadic roaming around since leaving home at the age of 17, or was it 18? Again, my historical amnesia is serving me very well.
I stayed on this job like a faithful servant. Not letting anybody down, getting no sense of assistance and support from my line manager – she was going through her own personal demons and crisis with senior management – and working with clients, managing staff who had no initial confidence of me due to the constant changeovers. However, I managed to succumb to all of this, even to the detriment of ill health. I was afflicted by a mysterious illness, where my initial doctor couldn’t diagnose anything. I had to take several blood tests. Afterwards, I took time off – approx two weeks, without sick pay – and came back to the organisation in total confusion. I decided, at that point, to hand in my notice. The staff that I was managing pleaded for me to stay on; the clients were sad to see yet another member of staff to disappear in the void due to the overall organisation’s disrespect of their staff. I was asked to apply for the post permanently. However, the pay wasn’t up to my standards. Additionally, it wasn’t where I wanted my career to be headed.
After a while, they (senior management) persuaded me to stay on. I did. Reluctantly. Only to be stabbed in the back whilst I was in Holland with Enson. I found out, through a phone call, that I wasn’t needed back. Just in time for the new tax year. How convenient.

So, I licked my battle wounds and notched it up as experience and subjectivity.

The issue of being fostered by white foster parents is an issue that I am constantly exploring. I only wish that I had a great wealth of knowledge of what had really happened in my early life. I wish that I could ask my parents about this. Because then, I guess, I would then start feeling ‘whole’ within myself. I am constantly in a state of flux. Trying to figure out my identity and trying to understand where I ‘fit’ into this global community.

This, and other issues, I will be addressing on this blog. It’s therapeutic to me. It’s healing to me. It’s time.

In the analogy of show business, I will be breaking my leg to discover the truth about who I be…

Why Lauryn, Why?

What's going on with you, Ms Hill?

What happened to the sassy, gorgeous sista, whose lyrics blew all of the other members of the Fugees to Kingdom come?

What has happened to the beautiful, dark skinned, natural wearing hair sister, whose lyrics were deeper than the Atlantic Ocean? Whose natural beauty was a complete opposite to all of those other divas, who sported false horse hair and trivial, banal lyrics?

Where is the genius who was behind one of the greatest CD's in the 90's, 'The Miseducation of Ms Hill'?

Really glad that I didn't attend Lauryn's recent concert in London. I warned my friends about attending, lest they'd be disappointed - they were.
I remember attending when she came to London last time. I thought I'd be like Biggie and give her one more chance, but she cancelled that when she arrived on stage, hours late, with diva mode alert fully on.
From listening to my friends painful account of Sunday's performance, it happened again on Monday in B'Ham. It recently happened previously in CA. There seems to be an ongoing pattern. Maybe there's a method to all of this madness?
In fact, Ms Hill is putting off her true fans. Fans who wait patiently for a next masterpiece. Fans who make excuses for her negative behaviour. Fans who expect so, so much more:(

Here's the evidence regarding her recent concert:

LATEST: Former FUGEES star LAURYN HILL let down more fans in England on Monday night (09Jul07) when she showed up two hours late, 30 minutes before the venue closed. Many of her devotees, who paid upwards of $80 (GBP40), had already left the Birmingham Academy when Hill arrived onstage to boos. The singer then delivered a poor performance, which mirrored the four-song set she played at a show in Oakland, California last week (05Jul07), before walking off. Angry fans who stayed for the performance were less than satisfied. One said, "She looked wasted... It was the worst gig of my life." Another said, "She looked like a clown, singing in an incredible aggressive manner and looking as though she were absolutely wasted, her eyes rolling... It's such a shame that such a talented individual is at such a low point. It was an absolute disgrace."

source: http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/late%20arrival%20turns%20more%20fans%20against%20lauryn%20hill_1036983

Why Lauryn, why?

Come back.Filter out your internal demons. Get back out there. Nourish and nurture us with your peaceful spirituality. Bless us with your stunning presence. Hypnotise us with your wisdom. Entrance us and enhance us with your illuminating lyrics. We need you. Sick and tired of the over exposure of blond hair, horse tail weaving divas. Nauseous at the inane lyrics of the afore mentioned.I mean, whose going to remember in a few years time... no strike that, in a month's time the 'deepness' of Beyonce's 'Baby Boy' or 'Cater to U'?
Ms Hill, We need you to entertain us like before. We need you so we can shake our heads at your lyrics, smile at the memories of your voice and say... dang, let me put that track back on repeat

Big Brother - Underlying Racism and the stereotypical notions of Blackness

Well, here it is. Big Brother is back - with a bang and a quiet burning sizzle to tantilise the great british public into a sultry summer.
Albeit I am just a casual observer of the programme - curiosity brought me to Channel 4, after the global outcry of 'racism' in the 'celebrity' BB house occurred - however, I'm still fascinated that underlying racism is bubbling just below the surface, waiting to erupt like Etna. But how will we, the average, African British observer react? Will it be with passiveness or a slow shrug of the shoulders, burdened down by decades of complacency? Will we unite - regardless of our ideological backgrounds - and use our voice as one, as the Asian community did over Shilpa -gate ? Or will we slowly burn and remain mute just like we have recently have done on the proposed Mental Health Bill?
I still ask myself, how folk can allow themselves to be displayed to an anonymous, critical general public, broadcasting all of your flaws, imperfections and some of the contestants may espouse perfections(!) to an audience that is ready to sacrifice you at the nearest stake - oooops, they call it eviction:)
Briefly touching on the Shilpa Shetty incident. When I did get to see how she was portrayed on the programme, she came across as an articulate, confident, proud Asian woman. Completely comfortable with her culture and aspects of her identity. Albeit rumours surfaced that she bleaches. I can't attest to this, as I haven't followed her career. Also, the way that the camera, at times, focussed on her looks. Compare this to the three white trollops - sorry, I couldn't find a better way to describe these bullies. Anyway, she stood up to the bullying and the perceived racism and voila, the rest is history.
Now, we have 4 so called minorities captured in the house. We have Nicky, who clearly does not find any cultural awareness in her self. In fact, I read online that she was adopted by a caucasian family. Billi? Again, a pretty vacant Asian man, whose premise on entering the house were his 'model looks' and trying to date a page three girl. Nuff said about that one! However, what truly concerns me are the two African (try telling them that! lol) house mates and their complete underlying racial stereotypes. Check it out:
In one corner, we have a young African man, a man, who seems strangely comfortable with permed, gelled hair and blue contact lens - maybe trying to emulate his Essex boy friends - who calls himself Brian. Brian? Wow! Never heard a African man called Brian. The name evokes knotted handkerchiefs, chip butties, rainy, miserable summers, going to Blackpool pier for your summer vacation and all that is void about british culture! This man portrays himself as a shuffling, bumbling idiot. A young man who had no sense of who Shakespeare was - not that should matter, but it was the way his vapid and cringe worthy expressions on his face were shown when he asked if Romeo was the one from So Solid! *SMH* All in all, Brian is seen as non-threatening, inarticulate, humorous joker. Kind of in the mode of Frank Bruno - you know what I mean Harry? Yep, he's the kind of African man who is not *seen* as a bogeyman, but wait until you take one of his precious white daughters out. Then he magically transforms into a dark brute, like the mythological Hollywood version of King Kong or the protagonist, in Richard Wright's 'Native Son' Can you see where I'm coming from?
Then, on the opposite side of the corner comes Charley. Now, it's rumoured that she is biracial. Nonetheless, she has still been unconsciously placed within the nation's psyche as the 'angry, bitter black woman with a massive chip on her shoulder'. This has been documented by the rantings of many posters online, who object to her rudeness and inarticulateness.
When I observe both of these characters in the house, I see a lack of identity, Blackness and self. I guess, both of them go together, hand in hand. If no sense of self, then surely, there is no sense of your identity. The confusion on both parts are their lack of identity. Not only with their culture but with their self. Come on, do you really think that the BB producers would place an articulate brotha or sista in that house? Of course not, it would spoil the stereotypical notions that all Caucasians have of us.
Both Charley and Brian are playing the village fools/jesters. The court is the audience in the house and the audience at home.
As for Brian being fostered/adopted by whitey. Cop out. I was, as were members of my family as small children. Thankfully, we all had extended family intervention which managed to liberate me and the rest of my family from perpetrating self hatred and a lack of identity whilst going through the difficult stages of our lives.

In conclusion, I am not surprised about the betrayal of these two characters at all. It shows that the caucasian mind is still trying to upkeep and maintain these two stereotypical caricatures of African people. Charley - the so called 'bitter black woman with a huge chip on her shoulder', together with the stepin fetchit, mumbling, inarticulate nuances of Brian. Not surprising at all at the obvious status quo.
Let's admit it, who is BB made for? The lowest denominator - chavs. Who is BB made by? The so called highest denominator - white, male and upper/middle class.