Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Changes...Can also be challenges as well

The other day I was going through my news feed on Facebook, and out of the many inspirational picture images I saw was this one, and it jumped out at me. I had to read it many times as it was brillant and so true:

" You can't spell challenge without change"

This hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks, and something that has become so relevant and authentic to me lately.

Ever since I have moved to my newly adopted country, The Commonwealth of Dominica, I have hardly, hardly any kind of contact with my family - my siblings and other members of my extended family. I just want to insert here that  these circumstance have been external, it is not something that has happened in isolation. This has been  gathering whirlpools of stagnant water over many years. And now, I wish to put a filter on it - and start cleansing and healing myself from this pain and disappointment.

  Now, those of you who are aware of the meaning of my name, I have a twin. In the Yoruba culture, twins are revered; even the mothers have a special twin name given to them when their twins are born: 'Mama Ibeji'. 
 Well, what has happened to my twin? I did not invite her to one of the most amazing experiences in my life - my marriage. That should give you, the reader, an understanding where I have stood ( and ultimately fallen) with my twin. There was a genuine reason for this. I had no regrets then, as I have no regrets now, several years later.

Our family is not  great on support at all, as the dysfunctional contributing factors including  envy, resentment and umitigated rage from certain sectors of my family, have attempted and succeeded to  block this change. I can hold up my hand in this lack of support towards my family, as I have also been part of this dysfunctional tumour, by being on the front seat and not wanting to 'rock the boat' due to fear of what other members of my family would think of me, or say to me at the time. However, I cut off  this cancerous tumour when I moved thousands of miles away. I needed to get away for my own sanity and I am glad that I did.I  have been through traumatic times, but I have overturned them and literally come through the fire, to dust myself off from the molten ashes that have attempted to stain and tarnish my character. 

Instead of elevating me, and applauding this brave and pioneer move that I have made to the other side of the world, without any kind of family support and  family network, there have been  some family members who have had underlying hatred and undeserved resentment thrown onto my path. Thus, my journey has been an obstacle of   barbed pieces of wire,  constantly reminding me of the pain that I have endured on my path. But, as I write these words, what did I expect? A person who is unable to help themselves, cannot help or support others. When a person speaks of themselves as a healer and they are still expunging their own kind of pain onto other people, then they are still within their  healing process and cannot heal other peoples broken spirits, until they heal their own. Take note my twin sister...

I remember, when I initially came to reside in Dominica, people just assumed that my family were from here; that my bloodlines flowed so smoothly, just like the 363 rivers and streams that are on this beautiful, tropical island.  I mean, I am from the same tree in a sense, but the branches are different. I was always told that my husband is my family. At first, I rejected this idea, as I wanted to include my twin - I mean, we existed together for nine months in a womb, we reluctantly dressed alike until my sister willingly left - but after seeing her nasty disposition before I left the country and the pretence that I kept up with it in order to gain some kind of semblance and attachement with her, I just let it go. But after today, she is symbolically dead to me. I will not go into the whole extent why I had to make this indelible decision. Suffice to say, I am glad I have. I feel like a weight has been dropped from my shoulders. I feel that decades of pain and guilt that she has consciously pushed onto my burdened shoulders and fragile spirit has flown away. I feel free from anger, resentment, envy and ultimately, hatred from my twin sister.I no longer feel pain, I just feel a sense of relief. I feel sorrow for our lost cord, our connection, which when I think about it was severed from an early stage, when she decided to leave my mama's home, (age 12) because my mother's tongue was too strict. Because she didn't want to be disciplined by a strong Nigerian/Yoruba woman who had her best interests at heart. So, with the reverence of twins in our culture, she broke the golden rule. I think she has been trying to play catch up since.

I used to shrug at the idea that you cannot choose your family , but you can chose your friends. 
However, this is about change, and I am about to undergo  a huge shift in this trend. So, my organic and holistic family consists of  my husband, Enson Williams,  my two young men, Benjamin and Akin, and my younger brother, Tayo. That is fine for me. This is my new definition of family.

So now, after really reflecting on it, and because it is a really hard challenge to face, it has made me see clearly now, where I can truly feel the change of redemption from this bondage that has held me down for so many years regarding my family. I can forgive, because in all of that, I LET GO. And in my letting go, I give permission for all of  the family dramas, the dysfunctionality, the guilt, the pain, the envy, the pettiness, the divisiveness and all the other negative elements of my family,  to just leave... To get gone! My vision has become clarified through this mind blowing change.

And so shall it be.


  1. I read this and completely understand what you are talking about. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.