Thursday, 17 June 2010


I've been living in Holland for nearly six months now and the europhia that I initially had about moving here is slowly wilting away. I am without a job or my own money; I am completely financially dependent on somebody who is  semi dependent on the government. I am trying to see the light between the trees; the light at the end of the tunnel, but it keeps on fading.
However, with this dilemma that I face above, I also have seeked God again. I belong to a church. The majority of the folk that worship there are African (West)/African Caribbean (Surinam, so there is a sense of belonging for me. There's been quite a few issues at the church, but to be honest, right now, it is my saving grace.I am reading The Word, getting in touch with my gospel spirit and basically, bathing in Jesus Light. To reiterate, the church, the church family and Pastor Thompson has been my saving grace. On a couple of occasions I have asked him to intervene on me in a objective way regarding Enson. He has always come through. I find it so difficult being here where I cannot have an intelligent and intellectual conversation... Anyway, the church has saved me from falling into a dark pit of darkness. See, I am facing dichotomies in my life and I feel that I am at the pivotal point of a crossroad. See, since joining the church, I feel that each day I am spiritually growing. I am praying more and seeking God's presence in my life. But on the other hand, I feel that I am spiritually dying. There is a lot of stuff going on with Enson and his children, and I am feeling the inevitable impact and fall out. The relationship that I felt could be in has been a disappointment. I find it difficult at times to communicate on a level with Enson. He tells me that I need to check myself. I do that at all times. However, how can I communicate with a man that is filled with bitterness and regret?
I feel like a dying flower, that is always seeking the light, and has captured the light but now left to slowly wilt.
I was going to work in London. I had already called my main agency. A job was lined up, however, my sister - even though she wanted me to stay with her et al - let me down at the last hurdle. She completely let me down. I then reached out to other family members. Again, I was let down. Initially, I felt anger, pain and rage. However, in the aftermath, I had to exhale and let the air of forgiveness penetrate so that I could then forgive those who had let me down. I refuse to let my disaapointment tinge my continual spiritual growth.

So, I will continue to pray to God. Seek and believe in my faith and trust in Him, because I know that He has me in His precious sight. I know that I am a Child of God and that He will never forsake me. I know that God is in total control of my life and His plan is still formulating/manifesting for me. I know that I have to go through these hurdles and obstacles in order to spiritually grow at all periods of my life and also to become spiritually stronger.

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