As I get deeper in living this life in Holland, I ask myself if I 'stepped out on faith' with this life changing decision. Simply because I feel extremely isolated out here - socially, mentally, creatively et al. There is nowhere I can get intellectual stimulation or a sense of any creative license. I have no friends out here where there can be any objectivity to my feelings, where I can rant and rave and just projectile vomit out all of my hopelessness and a sense of unbelonging in this environment I call 'home'. I attempted to speak the language, but to be honest I have lost the motivation for it. It's not because it is hard per se, it's what will I do with it? Yes, it will give me a better stronghold in obtaining a job, but I have asked myself, do I really want to work in Holland? I joined a church, but again, I am not feeling the Spirit of the place as there are too many hypocrites there. Too much folk looking for their own glory and salvation instead of being fed spiritually by the Creator.
What do I do in the interim? I become desentisized to watching television. Stuff that I download off the internet. Programmes which give me a sense of familarity, programmes that may not make any sense, but programmes where I can just *disappear* and not think about my current life and the uncertain direction and path it has led me on.
I also feel a sense of guilt. Here I am, over here, taking on somebody else emotional roundabout, and all the energy which to be honest I feel is wasted and not appreciated, and my youngest son is suffering from living with a father who I feel is giving him mental torture. I cannot be there for him and I feel so conflicted at this moment. As I write these words, I cry. I cry tears of hopelessness, frustration, depression, anger at my lack of financial situation, and a sense of my emotions not being understood by the one person who I felt loved me. Because right now, financially, I cannot make the decision that needs to be made. One that will make complete sense to me. I didn't think that I would be nearly 47 years old without a plan for my life.Without money where I can be financially stable and secure to make decisions if it ever came to the decision that I want to make right now. It seems that things have gone topsy turvy and I have been committed to a life sentence where there is no time for parole. As for the bail? Who can bail me out but myself?
Sometimes I pray hard to God and hope he hears my prayers. I have faith, I guess that is why I stepped out on it. It wasn't just one decison as well. The most important choice I made was that I came out to be with somebody who I thought I loved. Do I still love him? I really don't know, that is why I have my crying spurts. I am still conflicted if my role here is the be all and ending for me.
Anyway, off to London for the weekend this Friday. In hindsight, I wish I was staying over longer. I just need some space where I can think objectively and honestly. To see where my path of destiny takes me next.
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