Sunday, 5 September 2010

Discovery: Lightbulb Moment #1

I'm not the type of person to engage in wishful thinking, as I feel that it stagnates my growth. However, lately, I have been really trying to understand the ultimate point that I have reached in my life as I feel that something is 'missing'. I can't really put my finger pulse on what is 'missing', but I do know that a myriad and a cacaphony of emotions that have recently affected me over the last few months or so have contributed to these feelings.
Sometimes I ask myself if I am running on empty, in the sense that I feel that there is nothing left in me thus my sense of self being stuck on hollow. I ask God daily to redeem and rain salvation on on me, but sometimes it's a difficult task in the face of continued adversity. I mean, how do I reach deep and far into my soulspirit if I keep on feeling depleted? How do I muster up the continuous strength for my own survival? I know this may sound somewhat dramatic, but that is how I am feeling right now!
Ok, the reality is that I am an anchor without a boat. A swimmer without a life jacket. I guess I need some kind of buoy tool to keep me afloat on this wave of uncertainity, because my ocean is currently endless and without any seams to it. Overall, my foundation remains shaky and unsteady for now because currently there is a lot of unclarity in these waters now... a bit of an oil slick situation. How can I sum up how I feel?
Alright, I feel that I am looking through a steamed up windowpane, evaporated by mist. Sometimes I clean it and I can see all the way through it. Other days it remains an enigma for me; a sense of vagueness.
I try not to have any wistful regrets in my life, but sometimes I wish that I could just pause my entire life - imagine using the pause function on a dvd player. Or, even more extreme, to totally rewind the memories in my life, so that I can replay them at my own leisure and erase any nasty memories and replay them again with the attached wisdom that I have acquired over the years.

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