Saturday, 16 January 2010


It's 3.20pm, a Saturday and I feel so alone.
If I was in London right now, I'd probably be at Ridley Road market or just chilling. But right now, my life seems to have taken an indirect turning much to my discomfort. Remember those emotional upheavals I mentioned the other day on the blog, well, I am feeling it right now.

Over here in dull, gray, monotone Arnhem I feel so alone. I have no one whatsoever to speak to when I am feeling in doubt. I feel like a plant wilting. A plant without no oxygen. I feel aimless woah, where did that thought come from? If anybody asked about me they would describe me as a sunny, optimistic, look at the bright side of life Taiwo. But now? I feel worthless. It's bad enough that I don't have anybody to emphasise with me, but most importantly, nobody who I can communicate with and talk about my true real feelings. The 'person who shall not be named' is the last person who I want to talk to right now. Maybe it's a real culture clash, because I talk about my 'feelings', he choses not to at times. See, when we used to have arguements and such, I felt a level of safety, because at least I was able to go back to London and lick my wounds and regroup my feelings, but now, I am in the eye of the storm and there seems no escaping for me at all. There is nowhere for me to go. I have no money, nothing to call for my own. I am literally stuck in this nightmare and I cannot see a light at the end of this tunnel for now.
I am 46 years old and I feel that the sacrifices that I have made over the years have been futile. I know that I am an intelligent woman, but I feel that I haven't truly thought through all of this. I decided to take the olive branch but abandon the buds.
I can't speak the dang language, and I am just, in a sense, utterly miserable.

How do I feel right now? Dazed, shut down and depressed. Only a miracle now can save me... Do I step out on faith or adhere to my prayers and hope that Spirit can hear and receive me?

As my lonliness swallows me up I will keep on keeping on... but it's so HARD.
Hmmm, just a BAD day overall, and I know that I am venting.

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