Imagining Words: Still Creating

Sometimes its very difficult for me to separate my writing and my researching. What I mean is that I tend to get sidetracked in the archives of my research, which have become very personal to me as they touch something in me that I thought that I had suppressed years ago. Once I find something fascinating about a particular piece of research which relates to my novel, I then become distracted. And when this happens, my procrastination sets in like an unwanted blemish smack bang in the middle of my forehead. Sometimes, trying to keep on top of solely my writing can be a real test for me; a challenge that I need to really tackle like a star football player doing his best to win a point for his team.

I'm not sure how I can master all of this. However, writing this specific book is in a way, cathartic to me; sometimes I fear of what I have written, then my fear transforms into self censorship, which I do not want at all. If this is the case, then I have to ask myself, what is the whole point of writing this novel? What is the point of writing in general if I am going to put a block on my creativity and my imagination?

  My words are my voice. A voice that I have suppressed like a hostage who has suddenly developed 'Stockholm syndrome'. A voice that I have always used to validate others in their creativity but not my own.  A voice that sometimes regurgitates and can't stop writing and then cancelling it out, because in the back of my mind I say to myself that I am 'not good enough'. I've thought long and hard about joining a writing course. There is a particular course that I want to join, but I'm am slightly hesitant, as I've not had great experiences before with writing classes. I became disillusioned with my writing, starting censoring myself again and basically stopped. My imagination and words became stuck in my throat and my 'voicelessness' started all over again like an unwanted mantra. But I guess now I really need to take a leap of faith and really start believing in me and start putting on my self validation armor.

 I just know that when my novel finally gets published - and who knows when, as I refuse to put a timescale on it - that the disclaimer is read by folk who will fully understand that the novel is a work of fiction and something that has sprung out of my fertile imagination. That it will not be taken personally, and see that my words are an imagination of events and that they come from my creativity which I refuse to stifle and censor.

So, I am still imagining my words and still creating a space for my words. I'm just taking the time to nurture and enjoy this time to read and research and let my imagination catch up with me.

Mid Life Crisis or Mid Life Motivation?

I feel that I'm at the crossroads on the road of my journey. It feels really exciting, but also, sobering at times. Because having a 'mid life crisis' sounds really ominous, and also seems that I have stagnated. Well, I haven't. Although I am in a kind  of reclusive mood, mainly because I am rethinking my strategies and recollecting of what my path in life is all about, I kind of know which direction my path will take me in 2012. I know all of this may seem a bit navel gazing,that that is how I feel right now.

I know that I have procrastinated so much over the years  in terms of my creativity. I guess because there is always this nagging  and irritating voice that constantly drips into my consciousness like a faulty tap, telling me  that I'm 'no good' and it is 'too late' to start writing my novel. I mean, I have undertaken gazillions of research and I have a basic outline of all of my characters - up to a point. However, something keeps on pulling me back into this murky abyss. I keep on telling myself that I have missed the boat and the tide of opportunity  has long gone, but this constant negative self speak  keeps me paralysed and then I just suddenly stop. Then my creativity dries up like a packet of  dessicated coconut. The words that I want to write disappear from the left side of my brain. I become STUCK once again. I become mute with uncertainty and deaf to the words I want to hear that gets my creative juices flowing. And therein is where the vicious cycle continues.

So, now, instead of labeling all of this my mid life crisis, I am going to start to embrace this as my mid life motivation. Aren't  words mighty powerful?

Now, off to scribe and create in my journal.

Rejuvenating and jump starting my creativity: Researching and writing my book

Creative Writing Story Structure - Advanced

After all of this heart heavy work that I have been partaking with self over the last couple of weeks, I have decided to up my ante on researching and finally to start to write my book. I'm going to keep the subject close to my chest for now, because I am excited by the challenge, and most importantly, I have never seen a theme addressed in a fiction book before.

Suffice to say, I need to sweep away all of my procrastination cobwebs, jump aboard the writing train and keep on creating .

I am really excited about this journey, because I have eliminated my fears and self doubts when it comes to my creativity. I guess the reason why I picked at myself and beat myself up was because of a lack of belief in my creativity. The other day I was looking at some of my poetry pieces that I wrote several years ago. They're dang good! I may share some in this blog. The most vital thing for me now is to rejuvenate and jump start my creativity and dive into my pool of creating words and painting scenes within my book pages, so the core audience I am writing for, can ultimately relate to the story that I will be writing.