The Frustrations of Becoming a Writer: Embracing without Fear

Ok. I have decided to blog about my journey on embracing my writing and becoming a writer. So many times I have been afraid to pick up my pen or touch type my keys, as I’ve just been afraid to ‘let go’. I’ve seen others who have taken the leap of faith into their creativity, and I feel that I am just sitting on the side kerb, watching the traffic of my creativity speed past me. Why do I feel so frustrated? Why am I procrastinating and giving up my dreams? Why am I fearing this particular journey? Why do I want to run away from the words that I have been forming  and fermenting in my imagination like a ripe mango, waiting to burst, with all the flavour and juices, but still continually beat myself up and tell myself that I cannot do it? What is my creative block that is stopping me?

Only I myself can answer all of my angst ridden questions.  It seems to me that I am self – sabotaging my words, my creativity. I am  taking my words hostage and refusing to open up the recess of my mind and just… write. I have it all planned; I’ve written a few chapters, and I know how this novel will eventually pan out to be, but yet, I have all of these frustrations and fears of becoming a writer. Maybe this small voice that keeps on echoing in my head, like bad audio feedback, is telling me that I need to stop seeking this pasture of creativity. But see, I have always surrounded myself with words. 

Ever since I was small and was able to read books independently, I wanted to write. I wanted to become a journalist, but my mama just looked at me; her eyes just gave me THAT LOOK, and I knew that this was never going to happen in my lifetime. I thought that I had committed a cardinal sin – in fact I had. She either wanted me to become an accountant – which was never going to happen, as I have dyslexia when it comes to figures. I think it's because when dealing with numbers, statistics and everything arithmetical, you are using your left hand side of the brain. I always was in tune with my right side, so this was just a fantasy for my mama. If I wasn’t going to be an accountant, she wanted me to become a doctor. Well, that realisation for me was never going to happen, as I remember when I was young I kept on having repetitive nosebleeds. The sight of blood to my young eyes scared me beyond beyond! My mama only wanted me to fulfill her dreams so she could brag about my professional status. It wasn’t that I was incapable of doing these particular careers, I just was not interested. So, I rebelled.

I used to write in secret. In my diary – there were no blogs when I was younger, as the information age was just a far away star in the constellation, and I was a young girl just wishing on a star. I wanted  to see my words take print and make sense to other girls, who looked like me, who spoke like me and was possibly going through the same growing pains that I was going through. I wanted my writing to be a filter for my life.

Now, I have come to the stage that I will write. I have my writing wings on and I am ready to fly to the next level; to take my impending novel and carve out my own literal landscape. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t sell; although that would be the icing on the proverbial cake; or if the awards don’t knock down my door ; although a little validation from the world of authors would gently boost my ego; or if it gets repeatedly knocked back  and rejected by publishers; that’s fine with me, I can always self publish it and take my own control, without others dictating to me on how my novel should read. Really, I have to write to survive. That may seem to be a bit dramatic, but it's how I am feeling right now. I feel that this novel that I have deep within me is ready to explode and I  just need to feel the fear, push against my frustration, expel my procrastination and just do it anyway. 

So, everyday, whilst I have the time, I promise to myself that I will at least try to dedicate two to three hours a day to my writing; something that I am guilty of not adhering to. But I will not be beating myself up, as LIFE sometimes takes over and so it may be impossible to do these hours.

One of the things about writing consistently, is that you have to be disciplined. I need to be disciplined in my creativity and also disciplined in writing this novel. I never want to be in a position in my own life and have regrets when it comes to writing this novel. I have made too many regrets on this wondrous journey, however, I have packed them away and placed them in a suitcase and  wheeled them away on an eternal vacation. 

For me, to be disciplined means that I will have the freedom to write authentically, clearly, joyfully, with abundance, freedom and with love. I see discipline in this context differently and this is something that I have to always have in mind when I get out my pen or pound on my keystrokes to take on the oncoming chapters in my novel.

So, yes, my fears and frustrations still present deep within. But what I need to do is turn these negative qualities into just words, where they will, in their own paradoxical way, keep on liberating me and where I can finally cancel out these feelings that are stopping me from fully embracing the real authentic me.

Challenging Times: What to do when you are in that proverbial stuck mode?

The last couple of months have been extremely challenging. No, strike that, the last couple of years have been challenging to the maximum.

I'm now back home in London. I was living, with my husband, in Holland, BUT  it was a soul destroying experience. Not because of my darling husband, but because of the events that occurred out there. I won't go into it, as it is private, but suffice to say, it was an eye opening experience. These life changing events  have taken resident in my psyche and burned into my memory. It will  make for a fantastic novel one day, if I decide to open up the proverbial can of worms which are still wriggling about in that particular environment.But I digress!

You know that adage, ' you don't know what you have got until its gone'? That, in essence is what is resonating with me so much lately. I took a lot of things for granted. I did not appreciate a lot of stuff. Not to beat up on myself here, but leaving London and taking this particular journey was paradoxical for me. In a way. I'm glad that I had the chance and opportunity to travel and live somewhere different. But I wish it was for something else! I made the choice and I am happy I made that choice, because I wouldn't be writing these words today. Most importantly, I would still be in 'exist' mode, thus, no change or dare I say, I would not be facing these difficult challenges.
 
Coming back to London I feel that I have to recreate and reestablish  myself all over again. It seems like a long slog, and it has been extremely challenging and dang right difficult. When you are in the current position that I am in, and being vulnerable to boot, you look to a Higher Power; get all introspective and ultimately, look for tools which will allow you to fly and soar once again. That's what I am doing, but I've taken a few proverbial knocks and my armour has been slightly dented!

My relationship with Spirit has always been consistent, but sometimes, on occasions,  I feel that my voice is just echoing in the wilderness. I feel that I am in the desert, looking for ways for survival; some water for my off and on dry and mute voice, where my words and sometimes actions, are looked upon as a challenge from my loved ones.

Nonetheless, I am a survivor! I have always been a survivor. Reverting to 'victim mode' is not hemmed in by my particular DNA. I will always remain an eternal optimist.

So, what does one do when challenging times slaps them on the side of the head? Well, for me, its needed. Before leaving London, I couldn't 'see the forest through the trees.' I lost sight of the bigger issue and what I had to do with my life. I was just 'existing' and going through the familiar route that we, as humans have been programmed into: to be 'successful'  products of society.

Now, I am gradually seeing the wood, the wonderful forest and all of the beautiful leaves! I see the colours, the smells; my senses have been revitalised. Its funny, in times of challenges how things in your life become finer tuned and dare I say, crystal clear. Its like I was looking at my life through a misty window, and now, albeit at times, I see amazing clarity.

My journey is still challenging and sometimes I do get 'stuck'; I will still face hurdles and barriers in what I know that I have been predestined to undertake before I transition.  However, my journey, my path, though still, at times,are littered with many baggage that I have to bear, seems altogether, lighter.

In closing, my sister has a quote on her fridge, which reads: 'Challenges do not come to small people, they come to great people'. Very valid and true.

I see my current challenges as growth. Sometimes growth can be tiring and painful, but when one reaches their full potential, watch them ascend. Watch me rise.