Contemplation: Here I Am

con·tem·pla·tion
   /ˌkɒntəmˈpleɪʃən, -tɛm-/ Show Spelled[kon-tuhm-pley-shuhn, -tem-] Show IPA
–noun
1.
the act of contemplating; thoughtful observation.
2.
full or deep consideration; reflection: religious contemplation.
3.
purpose or intention.
4.
prospect or expectation.

Right now I am in a contemplative mood. I woke up this morning contemplating on what has happened for me throughout 2010. I always feel comtemplative around this time of year, and what I have concluded is that I have no regrets at all in my rollercoaster life. Looking at my background, my childhood and the lack of tools I had, I congratulate myself with my tenacity to stand here, as I am, in a foreign land and still have all of my facilities, without any kind of falsehood. My conscience is 100% clear and transparent.
I've come to overstand that having regrets in my life only procrastinates and stunts my growth and know that I have to look at the regrets, learn from them and see them wholly as ultimate blessings in my lessons.

2010 has been a year of change and challenges:
Moving to another land where English is not the primary language; the first time since I have been working that I have been unemployed for such a long period of time (due to my total lack of understanding of the Dutch language; where my integrity as a step mother to my husband's children has been totally slandered - I will blog on this at a later date when I can articulate the words;being isolated away from my extremely small circle of friends and my two children (although they're grown!); where I have replaced the notion of 'religion'and replaced it with my ongoing and growing spirituality, hence, no more forced attendance of church through guilt.

I know that change is good. But challenges can set your journey but paradoxically,have kept me eternally on the tips of my toes. This has been good for me, but the frustration that I have felt is being unable to express myself in the way that people who know me, overstand where I am coming from.

When I got up this morning, I spoke to Spirit. I had an intimate conversation with Spirt as if I were talking to a close friend, spilling my innermost secrets. And it felt good. No boundaries. No sense of if I was doing it the 'wrong' way. I felt free and my conversation was limitless allowing me to remove the usual artifical way that I speak with Spirit. Anyway, I digress.
I got up and cleaned up and put on some gospel/inspiration music. I chose Marvin Sapp's cd 'Here I Am'. The lyrics spoke to my Spirit and my heart. I heard the lyrics clearly and embraced what they meant to me. Then I googled the lyrics and joy fulfilled my space.
Here are the lyrics and the video - Enjoy!



Here I Am - Marvin Sapp


Here I am, I’m still standing, here I am after all I’ve been through I’ve survived every toil and every snare I’m alive I’m am alive here I ohhh

There were times when I almost gave up and I’ve cried and said Lord it’s too much. El Shaddai , He was there all the time by his grace he is keeping me alive. By his (grace and mercy I’m still standing, standing.) I’m standing in the presence of the almighty with (power and a testimony ahhh) I standing here today with one thing to say (Lord I thank you, Thank you)

(Here I am, I’m still standing, here I am after all I’ve been through I’ve survived every toil and every snare I’m alive I’m alive here I am) (Repeat)

(Ah) All of the pain I had to go through it gave (power and a testimony) now (ah) I am standing here today with one thing to say (lord I thank you, thank you)

Here I am (its because of your mercy) Here I stand (its because of your grace) Here I am (its because of your goodness) and I thank you Lord (yes) Yes (yes) Repeat

All of the pain that I had to go through it gave power and a testimony now I am standing here today with one thing to say Lord I thank you, I thank you oh (ah) oh (I still standing, standing ) I’m still standing (ah) I been through my crisis, my trail and my test (I still standing) say yes (yes) yes (yes) yes (yes)yes (yes) the devil is defeated (yes) the devil is defeated (yes) yes (yes) yes (yes) through every tail (yes) through every test (yes) through every trouble (yes) I like that best (yes) I’ll say yes (yes)I ‘ll say yes (yes) yes (yes)

Here I am, I’m still standing, here I am after all I’ve been through I’ve survived every toil and every snare I’m alive I’m am alive here I am

The Kindness of Strangers

Today, I cried tears of sorrow and frustration. The realisation of being in an isolated position without any kind of financial independence has finally empowered me to learn a new language. This will enable me to be free of all the ties that are holding me down at the moment.
Earlier on, I was at a bus stop, tears running down my face, and this woman came up to me - somebody who I have never met before and probably will never meet again - she gave me this reassuring touch, telling me that it will be alright. Her English was halting, but she gave me a non verbal look in my eyes;her sense of sincerity rang out empathetically for me. She said I have been in your position. That is all she said. It is like she knew what I was currently going through. I tried to mop up my tears, but I was unsuccessful, as they kept on flowing down my face and into my sodden falling apart tissue - unabated.
I smiled at her as she got on her bus and whispered a 'thank you' to her. God Bless her soul. Sometimes, the kindness of strangers is more gratifying and sincere then from your own loved ones. They haven't got the luggage of friends or loved ones who know you and may judge you in your grief. Thank you again lady for letting me be myself.

The year 2011 is suddenly dawning down on my head. I will learn Dutch and become motivated and empowered in my uphill growth.

I posted Lauryn Hill's video with lyrics, because the song really states what I am feeling right now with my life.
It is an empowering and inspirational song and it gives me a sense of freedom every time I hear it.

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