Writing Life: Keeping the Pandora Box Ajar

See, this is what has been puzzling me over the last couple of weeks.  I recently have joined - against my initial fear perhaps ? - a writing class. There are only two Black people in there - myself and this other woman. Initially, I thought that she was going to be 'standoffish'. Because you know sometimes, when we, as a people gather collectively under other people's gazes, we tend to blank out people who look like us and gravitate towards people who don't look like us. I think you understand where I am coming from! Anyway, suffice to say, and based on my own faulty assumptions (!) she has turned out to be a really warm woman. There is something about her spirit which is really nurturing.

So anyway, I started this class, which is about memoir life writing. I'm only on week two, but I've learnt so much already. I know that a lot will probably expose some still opening wounds for me; but I know that through my writing and my journey of creating and putting my novel together, it will help me to ultimately heal. And that is what I want out of all of this.

During the first week, we had to do this exercise in how we saw ourselves as writers. It was a visualisation exercise, where we had to see where we see ourselves now, and how we see ourselves in the future. This was by doing two separate drawings. I found it interesting that the whole of the class immediately tapped into my visualisation straight away. They got it totally, even though our backgrounds are so apart from each other. The irony!

I completed my homework for that first week, and we had to write a 'close' version of our birth/childhood and only write 2 A4 sides maximum. I wrote about my twin and I. It was cathartic. I read it for the class. They loved the way that I wrote this short piece and encouraged me to expand it. I was floored.

A lot of the times, through my writing, and yes, my journey with my writing, I keep on beating myself up. I have now given myself the permission to just go with the flow. With that I can be authentic with myself and also, with my creativity. I need to shrug out of this sweater of defeat and keep on keeping on. I know that I can do it. I need to stamp and grind fear into the ground so that it just becomes dust ready to blow away and disappear. It's a given for me to travel this sometimes crooked path; to come to the many bends and obstacles but I will continue to navigate them and jump right over them and continue with my writing, and yes, my journey of discovery.

There are still a few things that I have to do, but I am approaching them very carefully. All in all, this life writing course will be my own Pandora's Box.  It will be ajar in the sense of adding authenticity to my writing. And that is what I propose to do at all times from now on.

The Knowing: True Realisation

When I looked into his eyes, I saw my past, present and future.

We had such a bond, that I was fearful that the baggage I might have unconsciously carried from past relationships may tip my harmonious feelings into imbalance.

See, it started six years ago. I was at an apex in my life where I knew what I wanted in a relationship. I knew that I wasn’t going to find a spiritual or humble man in the domains of a social setting, where nicotine and alcohol induced fumes were mandatory. Where the pretentious ones gathered like a winding mass of uncertainty and insecure beings, looking for their next fix for one up man ship. I also knew that I had outgrown that scene. I was like a caterpillar who was seeking my own personal metamorphosis, and most importantly, I hadn't sought desperation in a long time solution of finding a man who could complete me. I was already completed. I just wanted to find my other half. Paradoxical, I know, but I felt that something was truly missing in my life. I wasn't looking to compromise at all. I just knew deep within the alcove of my mind what I wanted in a man. A strong man. I am not only talking about strength, but one where we could go the extra mile together, instead of pursuing separate agendas. Somebody who would not feel intimidated about me. Somebody who I could just be ME with; to liberate the mask that I have kept on for so many years in past relationships.

No, I was sure of what I wanted. But how was I to get to the crucial point of manifestation of a stable, spiritual, humble and honest counterpart?

Meditation and prayer sustained me in my elusive search. However, this in the long run did not keep me company - especially when I needed somebody to be my own cheerleading section. Yes, the responses I got from prayer and meditation were satisfying, but I was impatient for the manifestation to take place. I was weary of the hollow echoes that were filling my space. When would it happen? How would it happen? Would it take me by surprise? Or would it be something that be staring at me, right in the pupils of my complacent gaze?

I looked to modern technology, where I decided to become one of the millions of people out there, who utilised the cyber community to elicit a meeting of minds. Ha! Who did I think I was kidding? But I thought I’d give it a try.

Initially, I was fearful, but I kept on telling myself that fear would just leave me in the same position as before; lonely and continually searching for that elusive mate and counterpart Nonetheless, I decided to take the ultimate chance and put myself out there. I felt like the lone woman, you know, who is hanging on the ledge, waiting to take that drop and not knowing what I would see or how I would feel after I took that leap. I was stepping into the realms of the unknown. I had no idea of what type of responses I would elicit, but I decided to embrace my fears and do it anyway.

I was so glad I did.

Our meeting was inevitable. It wasn't even planned. He was my destiny and I was his. As soon as we started communicating together we spoke at union; in one voice. His struggles and challenges became my struggles and challenges. His future and what he wanted became twinned with mine. His lyrical accent reminded me of natural landscapes and his laugh was like a cool bubbling stream; it cleansed away all of the negative baggage that I carried in the past when it came to relationships. It was  around this time that I finally forgave my father for abandoning me. I was able to see the link on how I used to carry around this anger, like the well worn piece of cloth I used to carry as a young child for comfort; my security blanket. The tapestry that I embroidered with my hurt and disappointment with my father started to gradually fade away, and the colours of my threads became brighter and clearer.

His presence was so on. We meshed together like rice and peas. Egusi soup and pounded yam. He is my yin and I am his yan. We balance each other out like well oiled scales. Sometimes the scales tip more towards him and sometimes they tip towards me. We can have misunderstandings and sometimes our communication can be perplexing like a scientist trying out his first formula. But in the end, we are harmony and unity.



Now, six years later, after a lot of struggles, challenges, upheavals, envy from external forces, we will be joining in matrimony. Soon. Very soon. The whisper of our unification will come from spirit; it's gotten louder and our ears have pricked up eagerly to this whisper - but all in good time. We knew when our time would near. We knew to be patient and ask spirit to continually guide us and protect us on this sometimes tumultuous journey. However, the most vital in all of this knowing, he knows, I know, and our celebration will be a joyous occasion, shared with only folk who were there with us, unconditionally. Together with new and wondrous people that I have met recently.
I could say that our love was written in the stars, but that sounds a bit trite. So, let me just say that our evolving status, our undeniable oneness is scribed from the ancients. We knew each other before we even knew each other.



Here's to both of us, when we will be rocking in our identical rocking chairs; hands entwined so that the deep brown lines on our palms match up; soft smiles glowing on our upturned faces; caused by the splendid heat; sipping on our homemade sorrel; on our porch; in our promised land.



That's the knowing; that's the true realisation of what we have been through and how we have gathered strength, like moss on a stone, through all of this we have purified what it means to be with L*O*V*E.

Mid Life Crisis or Mid Life Motivation?

I feel that I'm at the crossroads on the road of my journey. It feels really exciting, but also, sobering at times. Because having a 'mid life crisis' sounds really ominous, and also seems that I have stagnated. Well, I haven't. Although I am in a kind  of reclusive mood, mainly because I am rethinking my strategies and recollecting of what my path in life is all about, I kind of know which direction my path will take me in 2012. I know all of this may seem a bit navel gazing,that that is how I feel right now.

I know that I have procrastinated so much over the years  in terms of my creativity. I guess because there is always this nagging  and irritating voice that constantly drips into my consciousness like a faulty tap, telling me  that I'm 'no good' and it is 'too late' to start writing my novel. I mean, I have undertaken gazillions of research and I have a basic outline of all of my characters - up to a point. However, something keeps on pulling me back into this murky abyss. I keep on telling myself that I have missed the boat and the tide of opportunity  has long gone, but this constant negative self speak  keeps me paralysed and then I just suddenly stop. Then my creativity dries up like a packet of  dessicated coconut. The words that I want to write disappear from the left side of my brain. I become STUCK once again. I become mute with uncertainty and deaf to the words I want to hear that gets my creative juices flowing. And therein is where the vicious cycle continues.

So, now, instead of labeling all of this my mid life crisis, I am going to start to embrace this as my mid life motivation. Aren't  words mighty powerful?

Now, off to scribe and create in my journal.

My Life... Still Evolving

"If you looked at my life and see what I've seen ..."

These lyrics from Mary J Blige's seminal CD, 'My Life', always haunted me and some what paradoxically, revived my weary and tired spirit. See, these lyrics - especially the above excerpt mantra that wraps itself throughout the song - have become a continuing memorandum of the soundtrack of my life.

I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but a rusty copper one. My younger life was filled with disappointment, anger, rejection, abandonment, frustration and sadness. However, I feel extremely blessed, that at this point in my life I haven't succumbed to any dangerous toxic substances or have become a victim of my circumstances. I guess the only reminder left of all of this is that well, sometimes, my personality can become a bit - how can I say - addictive.

Let me explain. My personality used to be clingy, but I started LOVING me externally and internally. That was the first hurdle of my obstacles that were blocking me. I still have got a bit of a distance to go and many hurdles to cross, but I'm starting to really believe in me.

I've had others believe in me, but I never took that and applied it to my life.
I was talking to a beautiful person today, who is incidentally my soul mate. He informed me that "the harder the battle, the sweeter the victory".
That led me to a 'light bulb' moment and everything - the drama, the sorrows, the tears, the letdowns - that has happened in my entire life is starting to slowly clarify itself for me. I mean, everything happens for a reason, no?

So now, let me drink - no scratch that! Let me toast and lift up my goblet to the sweet nectar of life. My life. With all of it's shortcomings; my shortcomings. Because they have truly shaped me; and are still shaping me, so I can eventually evolve to the woman that I was destined to be!

Cheers!